That Self-Help book is not your Therapist

Everyone could benefit from having a licensed mental health therapist in their life. There, I said it. A lot of the world of self-help published literature would have you believe that you can educate yourself out of any and all mental health situations. This is clearly not the case. The world of published self-help is probably going to lynch me but it has to be said.

I am not a licensed therapist, I’m not even a therapist. But I do know that there is a big difference between underlying trauma based conditions that people are experiencing that stem from how their nervous system was formed through their life experiences (good and bad), vs. a desire to improve your bad habits, lack of knowledge and understanding on a topic, or getting out of a bad rut by diving into the world of self-help books, blogs and videos. Both are valid and both are real but they are absolutely not the same and serve very different purposes. Worth noting at this point, when I use the word ‘trauma’, I am referring to trauma as defined by anything that exceeds your capacity to cope, or is too much, too fast, too soon, as outlined by the psychotherapist, Dr. Peter Levine. As you can imagine, this is a very wide spectrum but society tends to use the term trauma, or traumatic, to describe only the most negative experiences.

As we think about the topic of self-help and therapy, let’s take a look at the different resources and people involved. On one hand, consider the licensed therapist. A highly trained professional that has been through at least 7 years of higher level education, followed by a number of years accumulating 3000 hours of real life, live therapy by engaging real clients under the supervision of a licensed mental health supervisor. On the other hand, consider the self-help author. At best, they have a PhD in a relevant area, work at an ivy league institution, have their own million subscriber pod-cast and are a semi house-hold name. Or, they are like the other 99.9% of self-help authors who have experienced a hard-fought journey with many wrong turns with much failure along the way and have worked out a formula that works for them and they want to share it.

Again, both are valid but they serve different purposes. Whichever path you are considering, I would suggest if you find yourself motivated enough to think how best to address something that has been gnawing at you for a while now, or you’re simply fed-up of being held back in a part of your life for too long, then consider chatting that through with a licensed therapist. A good one is not going to take your money if you don’t need their services. But sharing how you are thinking of addressing how you feel, describing the problem, sharing the self-improvement you’re striving for, or outlining the reaction you no longer desire, it will help you crystalize your direction and also give a licensed therapist the chance to guide you on any more fundamental challenges that may exist. Don’t be afraid to do that. It’s like checking in with your primary health care practitioner / doctor before starting a new exercise regime after a long time of not exercising (which you should also be doing by the way!), it’s just wise and there may be underlying things that can be addressed.

Most cities / towns offer low cost sliding scale therapy with well educated, highly trained student therapists. Full disclosure, I’m married to a licensed psychotherapist who is very supportive of what I do. But, we often talk about the difference between ‘coaching’ someone into a better life by polishing, unearthing and directing what they already have that just needs structure, discipline, advice or a vehicle for the journey, vs. working with people whose lives are impacted by their nervous system being formed through life experience , particularly in childhood, that makes change and growth nearly impossible without the help of a trained mental health expert. It even applies to the ‘foundational accelerators’ that I am so vocal about that can improve and fast track your self-help journey. Not being able to sleep properly could be trauma based, or it could be an underlying health issue that requires medication. Or of course, it could be that you don’t prioritize it, you have really bad habits, you’re not good at change or don’t understand the connection between sleep and achieving self improvement goals.

The bottom line is you need to know which one you are or more likely accept to some degree that you sit across the whole landscape. So go check-in with a licensed therapist, even if you don’t have a trauma based condition (spoiler alert: we all have some degree of trauma, there is no way your nervous system hasn’t absorbed experiences along the way that play out later in life at some level), you might find that it really helps.